I’m trying to remember how it started, the moment that tipped me over the edge, the moment I decided to stop loving myself and try to disappear. I can’t exactly remember but I’m conscious that they physical manifestation of my decision started in my teens, 13…14, definitely by 15, but the disconnection from my soul, maybe earlier. It may not have been obvious to those around me just a young girl going through those awkward teenage years, bodies start to change, weight goes up and down as hormones kick in, the progression to womanhood begins. A time that should be celebrated, was overtaken by a Mother lost in her own battle with regret, alcohol and back choices, a legacy that ends with me as I pass on a different story to my children, a story of love, honesty and eternal Spirit.
Whether or not people noticed I’m not sure, in my eyes I certainly had started to feel invisible. My home was becoming more and more unstable and I felt increasingly vulnerable. I wanted to disappear, I didn’t want this life and so I made a choice, to stop valuing who I was as a person, even though deep within me I knew there was a purpose and that what was happening in my home was nothing to do with me. By the time I was 16…17 my self-worth was at an all-time low, my life was seriously crazy, it was getting harder and harder to maintain the facade of being ‘normal’, having a ‘normal’ home, of being okay.
So, I checked out and started starving myself. Anorexia. Make no mistake it is an addition just like drugs and alcohol but mine was food, it has ruled my life in one way or another for over 30 years. It’s was a way of having control of something in my life. As a teenager I had no control over what was happening in my home, what is meant to be my sacred space. My sense of security was completely shot, so I tried to create some, I tried to shut out the alcohol fuelled anger and bitterness that was invading my world, I had no anchor so I retreated to my mind, my imagination where all is possible and watched what was happening around me, to me like an outsider, absorbing, learning, wondering WTF had I signed up for and who the hell was going to save me.
Well you know, I did have a knight in shining armour come along one day. 25 years later he is still by my side, but that’s another story for another day, it’s been its own journey.
No, the only one that was ever going to save me, was me. The only one that was going to heal me, was me.
I have not done it alone, I have had more love and blessings in my life than chaos, I have an ability to see the light in all things, all people, all situations – unfortunately it’s taken longer to be able to see the light in me. And that’s where others have helped me, because they have seen and shown me. Spirit who has always been by my side – has shown me and that is my saving grace.
I take full responsibility for my decisions, it was my choice to travel the road I did. I’ve felt a lot of shame about that decision over the years, I’ve felt shame about a lot of things, I seem to be able to let go really easily the stuff that wasn’t mine, to forgive others and see the why of their actions – I have incredible empathy for others, its why I am able to do what I do with my entire heart, I believe everyone deserves to be loved and feel safe. The final piece of the puzzle has been to give my own self the same level of compassion and forgiveness, I’m the only one that can give me what I need.
So I made the choice to set myself free and started to go deeper within, it is in this space and with these words that I will share with you the dark night of my soul and how I am re-emerging as my most authentic truthful self, with a knowing and acceptance that I am enough. I am owning my story, I am proud of who I am and I feel incredibly grateful for the journey that has lead me to this place. To share what I have learnt, created, who I am.
This is my truth, and in the continued sharing I believe the creation of something even more beautiful we be created.
Until next time. Take some time to sit with yourself, check in, how are you doing?
Much love and blessings
Bringer of light
Intuitive. Healer. Oracle.