As I continue to face and embrace my shadow ghosts of the past and other versions of myself continue to step forward. Yet this story isn’t about the past, I am at peace with my journey humbled by the experience, by my strength and inner wisdom. No matter how dark it got during my teens and early 20’s, 30’s, 40’s… I always knew there was a reason, I always knew there was a better way and I always knew I would do something with it and I would make a difference.
And I am, through my work and most importantly through my family. My home is full of love and laughter, yes, we have our down times, yes, we all lose our crap at some stages and yes, we all get sad, angry, fearful, tired but we are safe to express ourselves. The love is still there, and these are just moments, we respect each other’s boundaries, we don’t judge, we don’t fear, we don’t bully.
I thank my childhood for this, I learnt so much from being shown how not to be, I learnt so much from how I was made to feel and what I saw. I learnt so much from what was not discussed or spoken of or acknowledge.
I love my Mother deeply, I’m so glad she chose to have me, I never think of her in anger, only with love and deep sorrow she is not here with us still. Deeps sorrow that she couldn’t get to a place of peace in this lifetime and chose to leave, but I understand, her’s was not an easy path. Our relationship wasn’t always a healthy one, but there was always love, but when someone doesn’t love or value themselves its hard for them to give love with no restrictions, no conditions, it was easier for her to self-medicate so she couldn’t feel.
Her love could be suffocating the extremes of her feelings for me went from one spectrum to the other so quickly. Love me, love me not, want me, leave me, I craved stability, structure, security. I believe she was born before her time, misunderstood. She went through life trying to ‘fit-in’ and find the love that she felt was missing never realising that if she had just dug a bit deeper she may have found what she was looking for. Instead she sought to find this love in the external world and it was never enough, she never felt enough, and ultimately tried to drown out any thoughts or feelings with substance abuse and a destructive relationship with my step-father.
This is my Mothers story as much as it is mine, I am giving her a voice, it is also my daughters story as I speak the truth, showing her there is a different way. I want her to be comfortable in her own skin, to know who she is and love and honour her unique essence. I want her to know that she is loved, wanted, and that she gave me the courage to face my shadow and find myself. I want her to have the courage to face her own, to understand she is the only one that can, she is the only one that can make her experience true happiness, peace and love.
And this is what I want to pass on to others…
You must somehow allow yourself to feel, feel everything, feel the pureness and uniqueness of who you are, the real you, not the one the world sees, and when you do, allow yourself to feel and experience deep compassion and gratitude for yourself – all parts of you. It is only then you will feel the love and happiness that you have been searching for from others, its only then you will love unconditionally.
This is the basis of my story. It is not to re-live the past to try and find some kind of validation or explanation for what occurred. The past is just that, the past, it cannot be undone. What you can change is your experience of it and how you feel and think about it today, you can look deeper than the surface and find the true meaning of all that has occurred and then celebrate the learning, the knowledge, the journey. This is healing. This is unconditional love. This is empowerment.
What you do with this knowledge, your life’s journey is up to you, free will, choice, we all have it, you think you don’t look again, the only one that’s stopping you is you.
Today I am finally embracing all I am and what is held within me and its a gift to share it with you.
Peace my friends. Find the magic within.
Much love and blessings
Bringer of Light
Intuitive. Healer. Goddess.